Notes and Letters

Dearest Lu,

Such a tale I have to tell!  I fear I shall rue it when wine no longer bubbles through my veins.  It doesn’t actually do that, you know.  Blood is still all blood, for it tests no more acidic after drinking than before.  And yet, how is it that the intoxicating fumes reach up to befuddle the mind so quickly?  Might it move as a vapor through the nerves?  Or is there some more clever method of finding it in the blood?  It is clear that it makes its way to the the lungs, for the breathe exhales with the smell of liquor, even after the mouth and throat are cleaned.  Guradan will not indulge my experiments further, and says I must get to bed before I am sick.  I would not want to spoil such a day with that sort of mess.

I miss you, beloved.  Forgive me, please, and come when you may.  I didn’t mean it about mother.  I’m glad she sent me a sister.

Guradan insists!  He uses his masterful tone.  I cannot resist him when he sounds like a King of Gondor, or a hero of old.  Please do come.



Dear Ham,

It pains me to write what must be words bringing sore disappointment, but I fear that I am indisposed in such a manner that I will not be able to grace your arm this evening.  But no alarm!  It is an embarrassing and unsightly inconvenience rather than a matter of genuine concern for life and limb, but one that would be unacceptable in good company.  Will you forgive me for hoping until the last instant that the annoyance would clear in time?

Do give our hero of the hour an extra handshake from me.  I can say, as few can, that I saw her at work.

Ruefully yours,

Jane Pickthorn



I scrached up zee vall bi aksident.  Pleez dont bee mad.  I thot I smelt anuthur baer, but it turnt owt too bee just zee naybor’z rug.  Zee vind vuz blowink intoo zee bedrum and I got kunfuzed and bekuz yoo sed no beink a bear in zee nayborhud anee mor owtsid, I just skratched insid and howped zee uzer bear kud smel it wel enuf and nott hurt yo or zee kituns or Bruk or zee chikunz or Mr. Pig.  But ther iz no uzer bear.  Onlee me.  Pleez dont kill Mr. Grandin’s rug.  He iz already ded.  I vish I kud nott smell ded bear so much.

Yoo kan bi noo papur vatever yoo lik.  Evun thee vun I dont lik.  Yuz thee gloo that duznut smell lik burnt feters.  Or thee fisch kind, bekuz I mite furgit and eet it.  May bee thee kind mad frum hoofs is gud.  It duznut mak me to hungary.

Iz it alrite if vee do nott eat Mr. Pig?  I kno it vuz zee plan, butt Mr. Pig doez not vunt too be etun.  Kan vee perhaps do ozer thingz vit himm?  Perhaps hee kan be a gard pig.

I luv yoo veri much and am soree abowt zee vall.


*((Dalish accent + hooked on phonics did not vurk for himm))


Miss Proudfoote,

Pursuant to your motion to dismiss, Judge Bracegirdle has declined.  You are required to plead your case with all relevant documentation before the Bench on 1 Winterfilth of this year at the Town Hole, Hobbiton.  Should you not appear on the day and time specified, the court will automatically find in favor of T. Sandyman and you will be required to pay in full.


P. Boffin, Court Clerk


Miss V. Proudfoote,

You are hereby subpoenaed to bring before the assessor’s table records of all your financial and material assets and holdings pursuant to the debts owed T. Sandyman.  Should you not furnish such records, our assessor will uphold the estimated assessment of 11 gold based on your salary, known work record, and length of employment.  Be aware that assets gathered before your majority are subject to the accounting.

As you are aware, this maximum assessment fulfills only 33.4% of the debts owed against your mother’s estate.  Should you fail to obtain the balance, it will fall to your sisters upon their majority, as per Three Farrows item #44.a in the Hobbiton-Bywater code.


F. Haymower, Hobbiton-Bywater assessor.


Miss V. Proudfoote,

Your motion to exclude your siblings due to their adoption has been denied.  I am beyond sorry to bear such disappointing news, but the judge was inclined to see the adoption as an attempt to evade debt obligations and could not be made to see reason.  I have hopes for the appeal, which will be heard before the bench in Tuckborough next week.

Stay strong, dear.  It’s not yet done, after all, and Sandyman’s fingers can’t be in every pocket.  Your kind offer to prepare our taxes is appreciated, and will cover in full this month’s fees.


Merriman Chubb-Grubb, Solicitor at Law, Grubb & Sons, Bywater


Miss V. Proudfoote,

You are hereby warned that any coin spent in solicitor’s fees will not be discounted from the assessment of your current assets, nor will it be taken from the total debt owed.  I must remind you that all coin so spent will only make your burden more difficult when the courts inevitably decide to uphold your legal and binding debts.

Should you desist now, Mr. Sandyman is prepared to negotiate a reduction in debt against your exclusive services as accountant until such time as the balance is paid off by your work.  You can scarcely be so unreasonable as to refuse what is clearly the only option left you.  Think of your family, and the kind friends who have been so good as to take them in at what must be considerable and burdensome expense.  You would not be so greedy as to let your family’s debts drag them down as well.


Cutford Hardbottle, Solicitor at Law, Hardbottle & Stone


About celeveren

If you're here, you know why.
This entry was posted in Bearing It, Dream Weaver, Fierce as a Dragon in a Pinch, Letters, Three's Company. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Notes and Letters

  1. Meesh says:

    Poor Verdi… 😦

  2. C.E. Bennet says:

    I love Broddi.

    Poor Verdi. Caught between a rock and a hardbottle place. :S

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